Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-08-28T11:35:21-06:00 2 daily I will give you a KIDNEY for 2 OBAMA Tickets for tonights speech! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/816812526.html Are you in need of an extra kidney? Know of someone who needs one? I have 2 good kidneys which is a little excessive. Ill give you one of them for two tickets to tonight's speech. I live in Denver and tried to get tickets the minute they were announced. Somehow the first come first serve registration did not work since I was put on the waitlist. So, I need two tickets for me and my girlfriend. I have an extra kidney. You take said organ, I take 2 tickets for this historic speech. <img src="816812526.1.jpg"> <img src="816812526.2.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Broomfield <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-28T11:35:21-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/816812526.html I will give you a KIDNEY for 2 OBAMA Tickets for tonights speech! text Seeking Adult Drunk Clown for 30th Birthday party http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/814181712.html We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a shit load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn't even need to socialize with anyone, just drink. the birthday is on Friday, Sept. 5th in Bucktown. Oh, did I mention that the clown needs to get shitfaced. Don't worry, we will purchase all the drinks. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: We will pay per hour and cover all the drinks </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-26T15:22:43-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/814181712.html Seeking Adult Drunk Clown for 30th Birthday party text Very exciting gravel giveaway - about 1/2 yard http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/813539095.html Well its about to happen again...it's going to snow and it will cover the gravel pile in my driveway. I will then be fooled into thinking that I or my wife was too lazy to totally push the snow out of the driveway and cleverly left piled it kind of out of the way. Not this year! No stinking way! For I am taking action and going the distance! I am saying to the whole world via this posting on craigslist that the pile of gravel is up for grabs! Hey, are you the right person for free gravel? Things to consider: -Moving gravel is a great work-out. I'm big and strong today thanks to my gravel moving routine. -Kids love gravel. I am constantly telling all sorts of kids to get away from my gravel/snow pile. SHOO! -Go Green. Go gravel. -Women love gravel. I often look out the window to see my wife looking over the gravel pile and shaking her head in amazement. -Gravel has staying power. Its has stayed in my drive way for two years! -Food and drink taste better after moving gravel. There are more considerations, obviously. But you also need to know that the gravel that will allow to finally finish that project and one-up your neighbors before fall comes is located at: [ ADDRESS DELETED] Bring a shovel, your vehicle and all the excitemt you can muster! It's gravel! Thank you. <img src="813539095.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: St. Paul <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-26T09:02:55-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/813539095.html Very exciting gravel giveaway - about 1/2 yard text Looking for my SOLE-mate http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/810581297.html My name is Right Shoe. I am a right shoe - Skechers circa 2003. I lost my "sole" mate on Saturday in Otay Mesa. His name was Left Shoe. You see, my owner, Left Shoe, and I were skydiving together, and as the chute opened, Left Shoe, my partner of 5 years, went flying away. I knew this would happen... I tried to tell my owner to tie us better, but he just wouldn't listen. (My owner has been learning how to speak Shoe... but talking to him is mostly like talking to a brick wall) Left Shoe and I have been inseparable these past few years, ever since we got identical Made In China tattoos. It's like we were made for each other; we were even the same size & color, and we enjoyed the same activities. We traveled everywhere together, and we were even planning on going to Japan together in September. Some people say Left Shoe jumped on purpose. Sure, we weren't in our prime anymore; Left Shoe especially got a lot of comments about being tattered and over the hill. But I know Left Shoe and he wouldn't do that to me. It was a bad day for Left Shoe because in the morning he stepped in gum, and then later he stepped in an unknown substance on the port-a-potty floor. But he was fine, and was excited to go skydiving. Left Shoe was resilient like that. I really miss Left Shoe. I've come to terms with the fact that I may never see him again. But I really just want to know what happened to Left Shoe... Did he land in a lake? or did the winds carry him out to sea? or did he leave a little crater somewhere from the impact? or maybe he burned up on re-entry in a blazing fireball of glory. If you know anything about what happened to Left Shoe, please contact me. I know I can't hope that Left Shoe is still alive, but I just want to know what became of Left Shoe... I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. --Alfred Lord Tennyson All my thoughts & prayers, Right Shoe <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-24T08:19:28-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/810581297.html Looking for my SOLE-mate text FREE BALLSACK/TEEBAG!!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/807294694.html YES, you could be the proud new owner of this magnificent piece of equipment!! it is a sovrano brand ball and tee carryall. this brand new, never used piece comes complete with 13 tees, 2 balls and a protective cloth bag. there is a bag on the side for your tees, and a nice perky sack for your balls! i would like to keep this for myself but i already have one and must remain faithful to it. thank you for your interest and have a good day <img src="807294694.1.jpg"> <img src="807294694.2.jpg"> <img src="807294694.3.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: lakewood <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-21T20:04:45-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/807294694.html FREE BALLSACK/TEEBAG!!!! text Please buy this fixie wheelset. My battered heart implores you. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/806301401.html Back in the halcyon days of our budding relationship, my now ex-boyfriend and I decided to start fixing up bikes. He was an old-school steel fan, so we started with his Schwinn Varsity---he converted it to a beautiful fixed-gear, and I contributed support, encouragement, and the impetus to apply that second coat of signpainter's one-shot. Thrilled with the result, we picked up more frames, parts, and wheels. And then tragedy struck. My asshole ex-boyfriend decided to end our relationship when he got a temporary gig in New York, citing (believe it or not) the fact that he just "loved me too much" to fearlessly invest time and energy into a long-distance relationship (even if just for three months). He took the half-stripped Varsity frameset we'd recently started (it was destined to be mine) and left me with a wheelset, some vague promises, and a broken heart. Those wheels, my friends, are now for sale. They've been languishing too long in the darkest recesses of my one-room efficiency and now it's time for me to get it into my head that my douchebag ex-boyfriend is never coming back and, more importantly, he is never going to finish building my Varsity fixed-gear conversion. So help me mend my broken heart. Buy my wheels so that someday, after a long, slow healing process, I can ride off into the sunset with a new boyfriend. On matching Bianchis. *** About the wheels: I know nothing about them except that they're straight, true, never ridden, moderately shiny, and come with a cog and lockring. They've also got tires (albeit rather cheap ones). And hey, they're only $50. <img src="806301401.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Center City <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-21T10:53:06-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/806301401.html Please buy this fixie wheelset. My battered heart implores you. text Duck Mask http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/806134244.html Full head rubber mask, old, has discoloration on white feather part from age, storage. Hey I got it on my big head, so it works that way. <img src="806134244.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Acworth <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-21T08:09:27-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/806134244.html Duck Mask text No Job? Never Call? Hate cats and/or dogs? YOU could be next! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/804339783.html Well, since I seem to have a very specific type, I'll just lay it out there. I'm apparently really into the shiftless layabouts. If you are unemployed, unmotivated and possibly still live with your parents... you could be next in my long line of failed relationships! Just think of it... an educated woman to show you how things work (hey, I'm even handy around the house - you won't have to raise a finger!). A woman with drive, ambition and goals to contrast your utter lack of motivation. A girl with a thick skin who can roll with the punches and both dish out AND take jokes... I'll be happy to be the one who doesn't sugar-coat things so that you can blame ME for all of your hurt feelings and failures. It's probably even ALREADY my fault and you haven't even emailed me! I am completely co-depedant, so you don't have to worry about me booting you to the curb over petty things (like finances, commitment or general civility). In fact, you could probably take my cash, sleep with another girl and then come over and break some things in my house and I'd just clean it up and continue along our path of destruction. So if you're looking for a lady to use and abuse, I'm your girl! I have a house, a car, a life, friends, pets and my shit together. Please, I need some sort of zeitgeist in my life to screw all of this up! It's been way too long since I've been reminded of how awesome it is to be undervalued. I'm over on minutes this month, otherwise I'd put my phone number up for you to call right away (either from your parents' landline or collect, from jail). So just email me and maybe we can work something out. Pick you up? Well, yeah, if you need me to! Williamsburg? No problem. It's only about an hour's drive. I don't mind one bit, I've got nothing but time! <img src="804339783.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: 23462 <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-19T22:11:49-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/804339783.html No Job? Never Call? Hate cats and/or dogs? YOU could be next! text Live in Nanny Needed for 4 kids (Pls don't call them "Precious Ones") http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/804253499.html My kids are a pain in the ass. Just in the past hour, i have had to tell each one to do something more than once. oldest: can i have soda? it's just a sprite? please? can i? no, no and no. the next one...don't even get me started. seriously. the twin six year olds: one wanted dessert before her dinner was over, one kept wanting to know why I wouldn't let nine year olds swing her around by her limbs. (the fear of a dislocated shoulder did nothing.) Please help me. I can be a tad difficult to work for. I'm loud, pushy and while I used to think we paid well, i am no longer sure. i work from home, so you get the pleasure of being hounded by me all day long. and, you get to pretend to like me, because i am deeply sensative. (but well dressed and a know it all, a winning combination I assure you.) If you cannot multi task, or communicate without being passive aggressive, don't even bother replying. If you are the type who doesn't notice crumbs on the table, skip to the next post, because crumbs are a deal breaker. they put me over the edge. i have all sorts of theories on how to stack my dishwasher, and if you are judgemental about ritalin for adhd, or think such things are caused by too much sugar, again, deal break city. You do get a separate entrance excellent studio on the ues. you do get air conditioner and internet connection and cable. even hbo. and showtime. you can bring your spouse, roommate or partner, but sorry no kids. If you ask, can i bring my kid, the answer will be...anyone? anyone? No. If you can cook, all the better. otherwise, i'll teach you all sorts of things about pasta. (Here's a freebie, butter and parmesean, mmmmmm) If you know anything about chess and violin i will be impressed. We are not snobs, which is good. but then again, my kid sometimes swears to make a point. (We're working on it, but halfheartedly, because, well the apple doesn't fall far from the fucking tree.)Although I am told they are all very bright, they have not mastered the use of the oh so complicated napkin. This is a napkin Junior, say it after me...Nap Kin. Good boy. i am not looking for Super nanny, or anyone who wants this job because they will love my kids as if they are their own. you won't. really. they are infinitely lovable, but trust me, they're mine and you will move on when your journey with us is over, and save for some funny stories and a delightful email every now and again, you won't grieve. Nor will we. (okay, we did all grieve a few of our past sitters, oddly they were all named Sarah or Kate, or Nikki. And Leah. Leah was delightful, even if she did drop my twin babies off our couch during a family gathering. Good times. I don't want someone who has a lot of theories on the right way to raise kids, because in the end, I'm just a woman doing my best. I'm willing to learn from you, or anyone, but not so much about how i should parent my spawn. teach me to knit. introduce me to yoga, the white stripes, russian literature or the best place to get a burger in the village at 2Am, but do not tell me to put star stickers on a good boy chart. stickers irritate me. If you are fundamentally unhappy with your life, you will be more unhappy if you take this job, so do us all a favor and get some treatment or move to the Rockies, but do not apply for employment with us. Also, if you suspect all wealthy women are frivilous, we are not for you. I do not want to hide my occasional bergdorf shopping bag. If you smoke, please quit. don't apply either, but please quit. i have known too many people diagnosed with cancer this year. Even if you are a judgemental nanny 911 wannabe, no one should have to endure some of the things I have wittnessed. You gotta be able to drive with a valid license, but if you've ever hit a human,move to the next post. You won't have to drive in the city, but if we go to our weekend place together, or if you make it to the summer and still work for us, we need you to run into town to get some pink milk, so be able to drive a mini van. Can you swim? Swimming is good. If you do drugs or drink enough so that you are grumpy in the morning and grumpier at night prior to that next cocktail, call AA, and peruse craigslist childcare positions when you have a year sober. I'll probably be looking again, and now is the time for you to focus on yourself anyway. I need a team player. I need someone to back me up when it comes to remembering when the library books are due, and whether i have rsvped to that birthday party yet. Help me dear G-d keep track of our skim milk supply and also, also, also, what should I make for dinner tomorrow night? the hours are 7 in the morning to 8:30 in the morning. We'd be in it together, getting the kids out with clean faces, brushed teeth and some food in their bellies. Doesn't that sound easy? Doesn't that sound doable? Then come on back for a fun filled afternoon 2:15-8:15 of activities and playdates and snacks and dinners and homework and riveting conversations about global warming, hannah montana and guitar hero. When you do get to go home (to that swanky studio and possibly a significant other or buddy) your time off will be respected. If I would like you to give extra hours, i'll ask. if you say yes, you get paid 15/ hour. if you say no, I will not fire you or hate you. Except if it is a school holiday or if i have a sick kid, then i might ask, and unless you have a final exam worth 2/3 of your grade or tix The Lion King, you may need to help out. Okay, if you're still reading this ad, it means: a) i am a halfway decent writer and maybe i really will get that book deal i'm yearning for b) you need a job desparately c) you think this just might be destiny, and that you could be one of the few, the proud, the potential babysitter of our dreams. D) you want all the information about job requirements, so that you can write me emails about how I should stay home with my kids otherwise they are going to grow up to be sociopaths. (If my pen pal is out there, wassup? Found love yet? No? How 'bout that.) best of luck to all of you in your search for a job. Seriously. Job searching sucks. No two ways about it. RLS <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-19T21:03:57-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/804253499.html Live in Nanny Needed for 4 kids (Pls don't call them "Precious Ones") text Cursed Coffee Mug - $6 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/802221440.html Merciful it is that the foetid horrors of reality are too vast for the mortal mind to comprehend. Somehow the past becomes uniform - the most basic distinctions, such as those between dream and reality blend together. It is only the nightmare, jarring the sleeper to wakening perspiration, that leaves any real mark on the psychology. Those things that inhabit the dream - can we say that they are in some sense real? If not, is there any alternative remaining to the scientist but to say that they merely reflect some process within the mind? How can this be, when philosophers have so far been unable to refute the most basic of assertions: That reality itself is a dream. To argue both is to say that there is no reality at all; and that, we so dearly hope, cannot be true. After my grandfather's death in an unfortunate accident, I was called upon to settle his estate. His assets were, by that point, in quite a disarray, having been prayed upon by the many opportunistic vultures of the financial world. It was probably no help that his last decade was marked by a progressive madness that gradually came to overshadow even his perpetual drunkenness. The task was long and arduous, not at all helped by the summer heat or my dislike of casual attire. For the most part the estate settled without trouble. However, inside of a locked bureau was found a collection of strange objects. These objects included a tome written in some strange tongue, a cloth pouch containing some type of preserved organs (possibly from some small animal), an assortment of tallow candles, a sharp but tarnished dagger, and the coffee mug, pictured below: <img src="802221440.jpg"> The decision was made to donate these bizarre materials to the Massachusetts Cults Collection at Miskatonic University. However, the curator of the collection was not interested in this coffee mug and so it remains in my possession. Earlier this year I woke in the dead of night to a strange, atonal humming in my kitchen. For reasons that I cannot profess to comprehend, the unearthly noise gripped me with terror. Unable to sleep, I resolved to investigate. The shadows seemed especially thick that night, as if some whispy, warm membrane were brushing against me. As I fumbled through the dark hallway from my bedroom, I thought I heard some kind of whispering. This whispering was distant, only audible because of its peculiarity, but at the same time it felt as if the thing that was whispering was practically breathing the words into my ear. Perhaps because of the atonal humming, I could not discern the words that were whispered. Heart racing, I threw open the cupboard in which I had stored the mug. There it was, bathed in the moonlight, seething with unholy energies. Soon, I thought, soon I will awaken from this nightmare! Dreadfully, not...for this was but the first of many sleepless nights. Shrieking, I fled in my nightclothes to the safe confines of my automobile, in which I fitfully tossed until the morning. Now I write this tract, pleading really, that some kind soul will be interested in my plight. I have suffered a remarkable run of bad fortune and my estate is bankrupt. I am possessed by a strange illness, and I fear that my medical expenses will soon devour the last of my legacy. I can't bear it...you must take it for a little while...just so I can catch my breath. <img src="802221440.2.jpg"> *WARNING! This mug is NOT MICROWAVE SAFE. *May contain gates to other dimensions *Is known to the state of California to pose significant health risks. *Cannot be exorcised or purified by any earthly means. *Will not make Starbucks(TM) coffee drinkable. *May lead to permanent virginity (nerdicus gigans). <img src="802221440.3.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Eugene <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-18T12:32:41-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/802221440.html Cursed Coffee Mug - $6 text Why Spongebob Squarepants is the perfect girl for me. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/798916222.html I wrote this a few weeks ago, and I wasnt sure what to do with it, or perhaps what to make of myself. This looks like the place. Here you go Craigslisters, I present my arguments, in bullet form, why Spongebob Square pants is the perfect girl. 1. Hes low maintenance. No matter what happens to him, he never needs validation from anyone, for anything. He never asks Patrick to tell him who he is, never uses his friction with Squidward to bolster his own ego. All his energy is focused outward, albeit usually with mixed (and hilarious) results. He never complains about those results either, just trudges ahead with blind, infectious optimism. 2. Hes a good cook. In fact, he makes unquestionably the best burger in Bikini Bottom. People come from everywhere to the Crab Shack for one of his Crabby Patties. How rare is a girl who can cook, and enjoys it? 3. He lives in a pineapple. Imagine having crazy sex in a giant pineapple. All that gooey, sweet, sugary awesomeness providing both full body lubrication and a certain fun kinkiness. Sex inside almost anything else wouldnt be anywhere as much fun. An orange would sting. A tomato would stain. While were on the subject, do you want variety in your lovin? Hes got HUNDREDS of holes, and hes not shy about himself or hung up in any way. He also plays dress up. Weekly. And usually twice on Saturday mornings. 4. Hes comfortable with his job. Mr. Crab pays him shit and he cares, never bitches. Never comes home and says to his pet snail if that dude Squidward dont get off my ass, Im gonna kill him! The pineapple is a harmonious place because Spongebob checks that shit at the door. 5. He manages his emotions. Weve all seen Spongebob flip out. Weve all seen chicks flip out. The difference is that Spongebob Squarepants STAYS FOCUSED. He may explode. His eyes may shrivel up like raisins. He might pull off his own legs and arms and beat himself with them in total panic and frustration. He never loses sight of what hes flipping out ABOUT, though. Every girl Ive ever met starts out being mad about the dish I just broke, or the amount of beer I may have drunk at her family reunion (we all need help through the hard times, my Lord, my Lord) but 15 minutes later its why havent we bought a house yet, why arent I home more, why arent I home less, why arent I more communicative, and what about those boobs I was staring at back in May of 2002. Do ya feel me, boys? 6. Hes devoted. Patrick is an idiot, but he finds a way to relate and have fun. Mr. Crabs is a jerk, but he gets past it and has a healthy work ethic. Hes maintained a healthy platonic relationship with a displaced female squirrel. Even Squidward, despite all his efforts to the contrary, has a neighbor he can count on any time day or night. (Aside: Squidward is a douche bag for not recognizing this) 7. He knows how to have a good time. Boy does he ever. He likes eating contests, farts, TV, singing, hiking, playing with his body, sports (did you see the snail race? better than Hoosiers), and just generally acting stupid and laughing about it. Im telling you, hes got to be totally awesome to hang out with. 8. Hes comfortable with his body. So hes not the ideal shape. Hes a square. But he never complains. Youll never hear the phrase height-weight proportional uttered from those yellow lips (anyway his height-weight proportion is geometrically perfect, a fact which I am sure can be proven mathematically). He dont give a shit. He just buys the right clothes (square) and looks great and thats the end of it. No endless questioning about why the universe shaped him the way he is. No internal battles. Just a simple square man with a healthy simple outlook. 9. Hes a virgin (Id bet). You say experience means everything? I say bullshit. Comfort and communication trump experience every time. Working at your sex life is only possible in a situation dominated by these two traits and amplified by a sense of adventure. Spongebob has always demonstrated these characteristics. Now, what do you want? A willing accomplice or the trick somebody else taught? 10. He doesnt drink, smoke or do drugs. Actually, I do enjoy the occasional cocktail or cigarette, and as you may have guessed, I have been known to puff it down a little and watch shows like, say, Spongebob Squarepants (WTF, what did you do this morning that was so important, Mr. Smartypants?), but the thing about our man Bob is that theses things dont rule his life, and couldnt you just imagine that first date at a bar? Somehow the idea of kicking two shots of Makers Mark back with Spongebob Squarepants is totally mesmerizing. You think hed sit there and bitch about his exes? No way. Hes much more a load up the jukebox and kick up his heels on the bar kind of guy. Hell take his lumps for it (case in point, the Motorhead bar in the movie, where the fascist biker dudes kick his ass but he comes out grinning) but I bet the night would be hilarious. Imagine him pulling in a big drag and blowing it out all his orifices. Imagine him talking to that drunken barfly you always see and making that old bitch laugh. Youd get to do all this shit with him for the first time. 11. He demonstrates good parenting skills. Did you see the episode where Spongebob and Patrick find a lost baby scallop and decide to raise it as their own? No?!? Well, allow me to elucidate. Patrick takes on the male role and he sucks at it. He sneaks off all day and night to watch TV at home while Spongebob, as the mother figure (complete with apron and heels), holds the family together. He does all the cooking, cleaning and baby-raising, all the while carrying an admittedly strained smile on his face. Not to say Im looking for a wife to do it all and let me watch TV (um, hmm), its just that he demonstrates such strength and good humor. The episode ends with a happy, well-adjusted scallop flying off (?) into the sea-sky and a presumably happy well-adjusted scallop life. Its not that Spongebob might make a good mom. Spongebob is a good mom. Im sure you all are going to think I am a pedophile (why? Because I happen to be a little bit in love with a 6 year old boy cartoon character?) Im sure youll all write me and tell me what a misogynistic jerk I am (just substitute the words girl for boy and boy for girl throughout and Im sure my argument applies cross-genderally. There. Feel better, huge bull dykes with nothing better to do?) Im sure Ive sabotaged my e-mail account, but I wanted to do it. Im in love, and people in love do and say stupid shit. <ul> <li> Location: Bikini Bottom <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-16T00:34:58-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/798916222.html Why Spongebob Squarepants is the perfect girl for me. text Free dead (?) frozen wasps &amp; hives (WASPSICLES!!) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/796769259.html So we had a few colonies of wasps in our backyard. The Fire Dept wouldn't take care of them so we went after them with soap and water sprayer. Minimal stinging. We got them all and they're frozen and well-preserved specimens....about 3 dozen i guess. I have pics. You can have what my G/F doesn't dissect. <ul> <li> Location: North Hills <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-14T12:25:16-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/796769259.html Free dead (?) frozen wasps &amp; hives (WASPSICLES!!) text You were being shoved into a Dallas Police car. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/796258913.html I shouted "fuck the police"...you made the black panther fist. You got tasered, I got goosebumps. Your hair is very pretty. Let's chat after you make bail. <ul> <li> Location: Dallas <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-14T08:58:46-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/796258913.html You were being shoved into a Dallas Police car. - m4w text My women http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/794605266.html Laura. You were hot. I was not. You let me fuck you because I was funny. Thank you. Kim. We smoked a lot of weed and drank all the time. I don't remember much. Sarah. You were hot. But a total bitch. I could have done better. You treated me like shit. I put up with it because you had a great vagina. Beautiful. Another Kim. You thought you were smart. You weren't. I was bored. Charlee. I liked your name and the way it was spelled. Rachel. You were really sweet and nice. Stop emailing me. It's been fifteen years. It's creeping me out and pissing off my wife. Fucking classmates.com. Megan. I wanted you since highschool. I was kinda dissapointed when it happened. Jennifer. What the hell was I thinking? What the hell were you thinking? You smelled kinda funny too. Your dad was a dick. Jill. You had HUGE nipples. Couldn't feel a thing though. Shame all that nippleage going to waste. Michelle. You were a drug addict. You have to be pretty fucked up for me of all people to say that. Another Megan. I lost your number. Laura. I did it for the novelty of going out with a girl that I went out with ten years before. You were still hot. I got kinda hot. We were better matched. Thanks again. Sorry I dumped you. You were a shitty tipper. I had no choice. Some handsome and cool shitty tipping guy probably grabbed you. Or some funny wanker. Another another Megan. I've dated a lot of Megans. This one was no prize. Debby. You were really smart except you had no self esteem. Be careful or some asshole is going to own you and that would be sad. You're smart and pretty and have great tits. Smaller tits can be awesome too. Sophia. Liked your name. Liked that you worked out a lot. You seemed nice but you fucked up my credit. User. Andrea. You had that adorable petit look that I can only call the "Penelope Cruz" look. Too bad you didn't have her personality. Emily. NOBODY FUCKING CARES YOUR FAMILY IS RICH. You'd be okay if you were not preoccupied with wealth you did not personally aquire. Dr. Sanderson. You worked to much. You were kinda cold. I thought you were cool though but you are so career motivated you probably did not give a shit about anything else. I got drunk once and thought about asking you to marry me though. I still wonder if you would have. Elizabeth. You are my wife. My wife is perfect. My life is perfect. Violet. You are my daughter. When I looked in on you tonight I had that rush of feeling so strong that a shiver went through my whole body and I had to move my hands really quickly to dissipate it's physical effect. Before I met you I was a "kids are no big deal, everyone's got kids and they're not that fucking special" kinda guy. You fucking ruined me. I'm gay for kids now. I love you so much baby. My unborn 6 month old fetal daughter. If you come out retarded or ugly as shit I'll still love and protect you. <ul> <li> Location: Gaults Gulch <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-13T06:40:50-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/794605266.html My women text Lolcode Developer: YOU CAN HAS CHEEZEBURGER? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/786985559.html YOU CAN HAS CHEEZEBURGER? YOU HAS A FLAVUR? YOU HAS BUKKIT? If so, you may be the right fit for this Columbus Web Design Startup! We are a small company looking for a Senior LOLCode Developer, preferably with at least 3 months experience developing LOLapps. Please send a resume, along with links to any web-based LOLapps you have developed. KTHXBYE <ul> <li> Location: Columbus, OH <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: Equity in our company </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-07T13:15:05-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/786985559.html Lolcode Developer: YOU CAN HAS CHEEZEBURGER? text Thanks to Homeless Dude that crashed in our RV http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/784448284.html Seriously man, thanks. You crashed in my girlfriend's RV for a night or two, maybe more. Thanks for not fucking it up. But really man. It means something to us that you were able to find a warm, quiet place to sleep for a bit and that she was able to provide it. Thanks for not breaking anything to get inside. It's an old RV and finding parts could've been a pain in the ass. I really didn't want to spend a day replacing the passenger side window to a '75 Chevy RV. I wouldn't even know how to replace or patch up that old Sears Aluminum siding had you ripped the flimsy ass lock or used a screwdriver to get in. Plus, i just don't think alot more money should be sunk into it. Thanks for not stinking it up. I mean, even if the boxers that were hanging from the curtain and the cabinet were a bit sketch, you still did a great job at not stenching the place out. No harm, no foul I say. Also, thanks for having the human decency of not using the toilet in the RV and thus avoiding the smell of feces. Thanks for not throwing a party in there. Sure the RV is some pretty cool digs to have some friends over and rock-out, but we are so appreciative all the carpet is left unstained; no used needles floating around in a sink-ful of vomit; and no weird stains on the upholstry. Thanks for keeping it to yourself and keeping it tidy and relatively untouched...this is huge man, huge. Seriously, though- what'd you think of the interior? Pretty cool, eh? My girlfriend painted it; sewed and installed all the fabric coverings and curtains; and cleaned it all up. Yeah, she's rad.....(and you should see my girlfriend!) She's looking to sell it after Burning Man- so who know's- maybe you are ready to rock that style?!!! We didn't want to move your things out, but we kinda needed you to not be in there at the same time, you know? So, we put your black bag, sleeping bag, and dirty ass boxers along the fence next to the RV. Sorry man. I hope poeple don't take your shit. Really. This is Berkeley and anything not bolted down to your house is taken quickly. Don't even worry about the old-ass bologna, american cheese slices (which maintained format, size and consistency), penicillined-out cheddar, and milky-way bite size (snacks????) things, that created an onslaught of swarming ants into the old, PRISTINE fridge. It really wasn't that bad of a cleanup. Tip: ants die when sprayed with Method all purpose (non-toxic and biodegradable)spray. [sorry Gabbie, don't think it was Kosher though...my bad] Again man, thanks- sorry to have to kick you out! sam and gabbie <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-05T14:25:01-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/784448284.html Thanks to Homeless Dude that crashed in our RV text HENCHMEN NEEDED http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/783766933.html 20-30 henchmen needed for moderately-sized supervillain organisation with large expansion potential (fortresses built into geological structures, corruption of government officials, possible genesis of 'nemesis' vigilante). Electrical theme. Applicants must be willing to learn new skills, including but not limited to operation of specialised 'lightning guns'. Applicants will also be required to wear specialised uniform when at work (functional rubber suits with my logo on front), except in cases where deception is required (posing as hostages in order to ambush vigilantes, etc). Desired (but not necessarily required) in applicants: -interesting deformations/obsessions/powers(?) giving rise to interesting nicknames (e.g. Claws, Pyro, Buzzsaw, and similar) -unwavering loyalty -being a corruptible government official -ability to work as part of a close-knit team (unless interesting obsession is of the 'lone wolf' variety) -grudge against any well-known vigilante -flexible moral code Equal opportunies employer. Both henchmen and femmes fatales absolutely welcome. Great promotion opportunities - right-hand-man position constantly being unexpectedly opened. Would look good on any future supervillain resume/CV. Send an email with details of any prior henchman work, or details of what is driving you to join the ranks of a supervillain organisation. Will reply to all serious applicants. Hope to hear from you, and with luck, welcome you into a rewarding and promising career! - Jacque (The Zapper) Zerapi <ul> <li> Location: London, but planned worldwide expansion <li> Compensation: £20,000pa starting salary, with added commissions based around success of supervillain operations. Contracts negotiable depending on applicant's personal skills/powers. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-05T14:34:47+01:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/783766933.html HENCHMEN NEEDED text Fill My Valence Electron Shell http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wma/780731449.html A little about me: My name is Selenium, but you can just call me Se. I take good care of myself--78.96 amu and disease free. I've been ionized before, but I'm not really into that anymore. I'm looking for someone to really bond with. Covalently. I want to be in a truly stable relationship. Do you have what I need? I'm not just looking for another Bromine. I want someone who will treat me like a princess and together we can become noble. <img src="780731449.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Unknown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-02T20:33:36-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wma/780731449.html Fill My Valence Electron Shell text MY BRA- I'D LIKE IT BACK. NO DATE REQUIRED. - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/780311954.html ok. so i don't know really how to go about this. basically, i was your one night stand last night and need my most important idem of clothing back--&gt; my bra. so yes, i was totally fine with the fact that when i left this morning we didn't exchange phone numbers (or names...); no big deal. but once i got home and sobered up, i realized, that we maybe should have because i left my bra at your house. first off, i want to get something clear. this is no victoria secret-esq type bra. this is an imported good were talking about. princess tam tam-french lingerie. ok. specifics about you. (what i remember.) they are not going to be too specific because my friends are on this all the time and think i took a cab home last night. you are: 1) outrageously tall and good looking. 2) a commercial real estate broker from the san jose, but lives in the financial district in the city with an asian friend whom i believe, was celebrating his birthday. 3) going to slide saturday night. 4) really into golf, in fact went friday. 5) a fan of red gumm y bears. i am: 1) someone who obviously loves her underwear. 2) obsessed with french everything. 3) not really into children. something we have in common. 4) occasionally from time to time caught wearing my clothes inside out. 5) "anna"- (my name.) so, where to go from here. basically, i'm willing to do whatever it takes. i can come pick it up, you can mail it to me, i can just have you leave it outside your building at a certain agreed upon time. what ever. i hope to god you don't feel weird about this, because i don't. i obviously didn't leave it there on purpose. like i said, i'm not looking for you to take me out or call me. for god's sake, i'm resorting to craigslist for a grey bra. it's just a super cute one and i want it back. plus, it doesn't seem like you'll use it. you just didn't come off as that type. please people. if this is you, or sounds like someone you know who fits this "john doe" profile, please contact me. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-02T11:10:28-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/780311954.html MY BRA- I'D LIKE IT BACK. NO DATE REQUIRED. - w4m text Beautiful Persian or Ugly Husband http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hou/779174159.html I have a hard decision to make. I have a lovely, wonderful, super sweet, full blooded bi-color persian. I also have a dirty, smelly, lazy, no good for nothing husband. I love my kitty but my husband, who might I ad smells far worse than her litter box at times, does not. Therefore, one has to go. Should probably be my kitty but if I can find a good home for my husband I will be up for offers on him as well. The kitty, she is around 2 I think and is white with orange spots. She is very flat faced and NOT spayed or declawed. She is very vocal and likes to complain about and scratch my husband. She does not however, scratch myself or my kids, even when they pull her out from under my bed by her tail. She likes to be in the middle of things, AND I MEAN EVERYTHING, which makes my husband complain about her. Now about the husband, he is not fixed or declawed either. He is not nearly as potty trained as the cat, constantly missing and making a mess. He is not as clean as the cat nor does he bathe himself. Husband is 30 and likes to break things while being careless and not paying attention to what he is doing. The cat is quite graceful and never knocks anything over or down. The kitty's name is Sassy and she is free to a great home. The husband, is available for the cost of a divorce. <img src="779174159.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: New Caney <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-01T14:57:19-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hou/779174159.html Beautiful Persian or Ugly Husband text FS/FT 2001 A4 Avant 1.8Turbo 5 speed Quattro-Boss Machine-mad pics yo http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cin/776572833.html Tired of not getting any respect when merging into traffic with your prius?THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT Your Yuppie friends will love it because its an Audi Station Wagon, your Red Neck Cousins will love it because its boss as boss can be. No one will ever make fun of you for driving this car. its has under 175K miles WOW! Tired of getting 12mpg in your 4x4 truck? but too hard on vehicles to buy a new car? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I've taken all the stress of owning something nice out of the equation - run your car into anything you like and get 28MPG WHILE YOU DO IT&gt; can you imagine the LOOK ON YOUR BOSS'S FACE when you park this thing next to his new BMW in the company lot? Can you Imagine picking up dates in this thing?! (her mom will flip her shite) get that bad boy draw without the criminal record, BUY MY CAR! You may think this is too good to be true, but its not - Call me - Come see the car. I LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES (I even live in cincinnati) you can come shake my hand if you want to. "but how are you selling your audi at the low low price of $1300?!" Thats a good question . . . you see, you can get this car without wheels, front bumper, roof rack, or speakers for $1300! THIS CAR IS GREAT FOR PARADES BUT YOU CAN EVEN BUY THE WHOLE CAR! for $2500obo Thats right - you can buy THIS CAR <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1184.jpg"> for only $2500 as its sits in that picture (taken like 4 min ago) Its so boss that the HD F350 behind is is TOO SCARED to park any closer. This car runs like a dream, has all the regular maintenance done on time and handles like nothing you will ever experience. Want that german driving feel without paying tens of thousands of dollars? BUY THIS CAR!* <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1136.jpg"> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1137.jpg"> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1132.jpg"> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1139.jpg"> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1140.jpg"> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1141.jpg"> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1133.jpg"> CAR AS ITS SHOWN IN THE PICTURES (I'll even leave the half used stick of old spice classic and the death metal tapes in the glove box) $2500 Car Sans Rack $2150 Car Sans Front Bumper $2350 Car Sans Stereo Add ons $2300 Car Sans Wheels $2000 Car Sans Wheels, Rack, Front Bumper, and Stereo Ad ons $1300!!! Come drive it. You put $5 in the tank and I'll let you test drive it. You crash it you buy it. Shoot me an email or call me (srs) 334.707.0722 no calls after ten PM or before ten AM -Ben *no check engine lights were harmed in the making of this ad. likewise no check engine light is currently on in the aforementioned vehicle. audi/vw north america does not condone driving your car like a sissy and likewise is happy to see their cars put to heavy use...even though they do not condone or support any of the above message. many audi's and vw's were however harmed in the making of the "curshmobile" and rightly so. in closing this fantastic vehicle has been from coast to coast rocking the most and deserves a good home. <ul> <li> This item has been posted by-owner. <li> Location: Clifton (cincinnati) <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-30T17:51:00-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cin/776572833.html FS/FT 2001 A4 Avant 1.8Turbo 5 speed Quattro-Boss Machine-mad pics yo text Video games and starbucks - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ftc/775415728.html Ok, this is going to sound odd, but the Starbucks near my house has like NO parking in the morning. So, what I'm looking for is a girl who wants to crash out with me the night before, and then in the morning, ride in my car with me past the Starbucks, so I can have someone run in without me having to find parking. I'll pay for the Starbucks and up to one (1) baked item. No venti's. You can leave a tip if the barista (or baristo) is worthy of one, but make sure to bring me the receipt. I understand that we are human beings with needs, so if we should happen to let our bodies get the better of ourselves for hours and hours the night before, then there isn't really much I can do about that, but seriously - this is about coffee - not wildly passionate, kinky, orgasm sessions, ok? OR if you could give me a good blow job while I play video games, that would be even better. The only oral delight taking place will be when those sweet Arabica beans are hitting our lips. Certainly not anything to do with my head between your legs for 20-30 minutes at a time. Got it? Ok, cool. Be sure to send a picture so I can tell we're going to be looking good sipping Starbucks together in my ride (1991 two-tone Saturn). <ul> <li> Location: noco <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-29T19:22:00-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ftc/775415728.html Video games and starbucks - m4w text Hot girl for hot guy! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/774488152.html Hi! I'm a level 44 female blood elf (will be 50 this weekend) seeking my true love. Long dark red hair, sexy red lips, and I can bust a move like you've never seen. Must be from Duskwood server, where I am. Specifically looking for a male blood elf or undead to rock my world (of warcraft). Bonus points if you're a 70 and have any of your epics above teir 4. No trolls!!! Send me an email with your name and we can go on a date. There is a cute little spot in the Barrens I would love to bring a date. Maybe set up a fire and drink some volatile rum? See where things go from there. See you soon! <img src="774488152.1.jpg"> <img src="774488152.2.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Azeroth <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-29T08:22:33-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/774488152.html Hot girl for hot guy! text to the perv who groped me on my way home - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/774158390.html Me: caucasian, white yoga capris and tan tank top you: Latino, 5'8, in your twenties, sports jersey, short hair, mole on your face. You might have been following me for a while, Mr. Perv, I don't know - I was on the phone with my mother, venting about my roommate situation (we had to find a new one) and my job search (like, I need a job), when you snuck up behind me, and gently squeezed my ass. Not just the top of my ass, but kinda low, kinda close to my you-know-what, if you know what I mean. You know, even my boyfriend needs permission to get that close, so having a perfect stranger attempt access so suddenly, so completely out of the blue, triggered my fight-or-flight response. And I *fight*. Did it hurt when I grabbed your collar and punched you in the head? I'm a little worried that I didn't get enough momentum in my swing to make you feel it, seeing as I'm kinda short (5'2"). But you must have felt bad when you took off running and I chased you down so easily - it's not that you're slow, dude, it's just that I run fast, as you might have suspected from the well-muscled form of my posterior, had you been viewing it with its athletic potential in mind. It was all worth it when you realized you couldn't outrun me and so you stopped with your back to me in shame, and I kicked you in your hole. You might not remember, but I said: "Are you sorry? Are you sorry? Say you're sorry!", and you did. That was great. Then I said: "run on home, you asshole! Run home!" and you did that, too! Ladies, these pervs are cowards who run in fear when confronted with any kind of resistance. They are weak and pathetic. To the two guys who came out of their houses when they heard me yelling - thank you for being so aware and willing to help out-especially - Chris, was it? - who walked me home. It's great to know the people here care about the safety of others. Thanks so much. My mom was really worried, because she heard me start swearing and then the phone went dead (I closed it so I could chase the motherf*cker down) and she thought I had been hit by a car. When I told her what happened, she told me not to be so agro, and pointed out that he could of had a knife or something. True. You're right, mom. But you're unlucky if you're from this neighborhood, Mr. Perv. Cause I'm here ALL THE TIME (no job, remember?) and next time I'll MACE YOUR FACE. <ul> <li> Location: Mt. Pleasant <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-29T00:04:51-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/774158390.html to the perv who groped me on my way home - w4m text Trade your vespa for my loud parrot http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orc/772752501.html I want a vespa, I hate my wifes parrot. I will give two cages two perches, year supply of food. Yellow headed Amazon Parrot, Female, Talks, Mostly just yells my name (mimics my wife). <ul> <li> Location: Huntington Beach <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-28T00:03:22-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orc/772752501.html Trade your vespa for my loud parrot text Free bungalow/house/cabin/hovel http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/766404042.html Howdy... We received many responses regarding this post. To clarify... We are offering the BUILDING ONLY to someone that can remove it from the property... Re: pictures... please see below and understand the outside is much nicer than the interior. Dimensions I would estimate at 25 x 30 but that is a guess. Recently we purchased a tiny dwelling (aka hovel) in the Verde Valley. At the time of purchase there were tenants on site from the previous owner. We decided to buy this house/land despite not seeing the interior of the structure. We liked the property and felt we would try to renovate the structures if that was reasonable. The tenants have since vacated the premises and we have had an opportunity to get in and determine the extent and nature of this atrocity. What we encountered was a level osf squalor that defies belief. After a significant number of man hours, we have completed an initial stripping of the superficial layer of filth that envelopes this dwelling and have determined that even if we were able to recover this house to an acceptable state we would be reluctant to live in it. THIS IS NOT a prize. There are roaches, packrats and in all likelihood other life forms (quite possibly of a virulent microscopic nature) still in evidence. Previous domestic animals (besides, but not necessarily excluding the tenants) have also left an indelible mark on this bungalow. I have no idea if this place is salvageable, and I possess neither the desire nor the ability to remedy this condition any further. This being said... It DOES have a bizarre kind of charm. This home was built circa 1920 and moved to its current location in the 1960's. It is less than 800 square feet. The walls seem solid and the outside is stucco. There are three small bedrooms and one bathroom, as well as a kitchen and living room. The structure itself sits on blocks and has a crawlspace beneath it. I cannot in all honesty say if the structure is sound, but since this house was moved once, I am assuming that it might be possible again. I am listing this in hopes that someone with the necessary skills might in fact find some use for it. If you are still reading this... If you have the wherewithal to actually move this building... If you have a peculiar nature and would like to interrupt the natural destiny and spare this building from its ultimate demolition...then we would gladly let you remove this building at no charge (and at your convenience). So it comes down to this... this little house is destined to be destroyed unless for some reason somebody intervenes... I have done my best not to gloss over anything. This would most certainly be a challenge to anyone brave/foolish enough to undertake it... But Craigslist being what it is... this is the only venue I could think of to present it. And then my mom said "Why not see if somebody wants it for free?" (I try to pay attention to what she says because she is a very sharp lady.) Thanks for checking this out. I know this is bizarre and I apologize that it borders on ludicrous. I would appreciate that contact be limited to people that have both the interest and means to carry this off. Thanks again. <img src="766404042.1.jpg"> <img src="766404042.2.jpg"> <img src="766404042.3.jpg"> <img src="766404042.4.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Cordes Junction <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-23T03:04:47-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/766404042.html Free bungalow/house/cabin/hovel text Manly Bike for Sale http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html Bike for sale What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME". The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way. The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating. The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything. I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total: Gear 1 - Sissy Gear Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear Gear 4 - Boy Gear Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear Gear 6 - Manly Gear Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest. Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four". Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices) <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-22T10:18:55-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html Manly Bike for Sale text I will trade my sombrero for your kayak. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/764637155.html So, you finally realized that kayaks are work. You would much rather replace all that sweaty paddling with a cool, shady nap under a wide-brim hat dreaming of nachos. You think about all the space in your garage that kayak's taking up and just start to count how many jars of salsa you could fit on that shelf. You remember last Cinco de Mayo when you showed up to the big party sans sombrero. Someone threw a bell pepper at your head. Don't you think it's about time you traded in that kayak for a nice comfortable sombrero? Okay. How about I also throw in a pinata with 300 dollars worth of loose change? Think about it...If you no longer need that 10-12 foot sit on top kayak, I have a sombrero that----and I'm not even lying-----would look stunning on you. You think you look good in that poncho of yours, you just wait until the ladies get a load of you in that sombrero. Meow, indeed. Call [DELETED] to talk details about what's been missing in your life (my sombrero). <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-21T22:21:45-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/764637155.html I will trade my sombrero for your kayak. text Winnebago/Legand Cat Pro fishing boat will not seperate http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dsm/763203032.html 27ft winnebago with Legand cat 24ft fishing boat, will not seperate, motor home need some brake work and little body work. boat stored partially inside. <img src="763203032.1.jpg"> <img src="763203032.2.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: southern Iowa <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-20T23:05:15-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dsm/763203032.html Winnebago/Legand Cat Pro fishing boat will not seperate text *** Girlfriend Potential Test *** http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/763102764.html Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test. <h3>Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)</h3> When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it. Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is: a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around. b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss. c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.' d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back thats guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms. Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You: a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on. b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior. c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry. d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats. Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you: a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day. b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices. c) Cry. d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more. Q4. We're having a fight. You: a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes. b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down. c) Flip me the bird. d) Wail on my junk. e) both c and d f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye. g) f, then d, then c. Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You: a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun. b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own. c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.' d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends. <h3>Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)</h3> When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it. Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing. Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must. Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy. Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important. Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies. Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense. Q7. Chest hair is gross. Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation. Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course. Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt. <h3>Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)</h3> Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective. Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city? Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things. Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): 'Down to Earth', 'Have a sense of humor' and 'Laid back'. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid 'head games.' Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don't forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full). <ul> <li> Location: Uptown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-20T22:16:12-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/763102764.html *** Girlfriend Potential Test *** text About a dog http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/762808006.html I have a great dog. He's a little on the fat side, but he's really active. He's great with kids, unless they try to pull his nubby tail. He's really friendly to people who have food. He loves to have his teeth brushed, but is resistant to having his feet touched. He can smell a little doggy, and the tooth brushing does not appear to improve his breath, but I've smelled worse. When I read some of the things on this board, I wonder about other dogs out there and how they fare in the world. I'd just like to say the following: * I recently moved. I found an apartment that was in a great neighborhood in a building with other dogs and dog friendly folks.....this was because did a little work and looked for a place that was right for me and the dog, and stumbled over this fantastic place where I now live. * I recently got a new job that requires that I spend more time at work. I was worried that this would negatively affect my little pup, so I make an effort to get up earlier so that we can go for a good walk before I leave, and I arranged for someone to spend time with the little guy for a while during the day while I'm at work. My career chugs along and my little guy is still happy. * I live in a tiny, tiny apartment, but this does not negatively affect the dog in any way. Granted, he is a little guy, but the fact is that between walks before and after work, and extended play time outdoors in the evening, the size of the apartment doesn't hurt my pup's quality of life (or mine, for that matter). He has never chewed up anything I own, broken anything in the house, or done any damage to any structure that I have lived in. He does bark a bit when people walk by my kitchen window, but mostly that's because he's crazy. Or maybe because he thinks that everyone loves him and maybe that person wants to come in and pet him or give him a treat. I don't speak any dog, so I can't ask him. * I don't have a high paying job (or career, for that matter), so I don't have a lot of disposable cash, but I do have money saved in case the dog has a minor medical emergency, and the information for Care Credit in case he has a major medical emergency. * Admittedly, I don't have any kids (I am both unpleasant and squishy, which makes finding a baby daddy trialsome), but I distinctly remember having pets when I was a kid, and I have six brothers and sisters that my mom had to watch over. She seemed to do OK with seven kids and a dog, and while I find her an extraordinary human being, I don't think that she has any kind of pet-care superpowers. My dog makes me laugh and he cuddles up against me and he provides me with an opening to meet some very nice (and some very interesting) people when we're out walking and he hides under the blankets when it thunders and lets me feel like I'm soothing him and he brings me toys to play with when he gets bored and he rolls over in the grass and reminds me how much fun it is to be alive. He gives me all of this and more, and all I do is walk him, feed him, and play with him. I hope that all the people who post their dogs for adoption on this list have done every possible thing that they can do in order to keep it before they give up on themselves. I just want to say to all of you who think that it's too hard to take care of you pet: YOU CAN DO IT! Your pet believes in you, and I believe in you, too! <ul> <li> Location: Joysville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-20T17:35:25-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/762808006.html About a dog text DOOR TO THE FUTURE http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/762644631.html Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? This door could be the first step in making your dreams come true. Imagine walking through this 28 3/4" x 78" door as you begin your new life, as the person you've always wanted to be... happier, funnier, handsomer, richer, and with firmer buns. It could be yours, right now. Give yourself that extra edge! Come pick up your door to the future today! <ul> <li> Location: North pdx <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-20T12:17:27-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/762644631.html DOOR TO THE FUTURE text Develop software for a quantitative hedge fund http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/759613192.html We are a quantitative hedge fund with offices in Palo Alto and on the East coast. We're looking for first-rank software developers to join our Palo Alto team. Candidates should have a PhD, Masters degree, or undergraduate degree in Computer Science, Mathematics, or a related field. The successful applicant will have experience in object-oriented programming, agile software development, and algorithm design and implementation. Knowledge of Java, financial mathematics, Unix-based systems, MATLAB, and relational database systems is a plus. This position offers a competitive base salary and bonus program. For immediate consideration please do the following: 1) Prepare a cover letter. 2) Flip a coin 50 times. Record the results on your resume as a sequence of heads (H) or tails (T) symbols. 3) Email your cover letter and resume to us. <ul> <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T22:05:02-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/759613192.html Develop software for a quantitative hedge fund text We live together http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/759387513.html I keep passing you on the way to the fridge. I'm sure you've noticed me - I think you're looking at me out the corner of your eye when I get in and out of the bed we share. I waved at you several times over the weekend as we were sitting down to meals. At breakfast this morning you ate the oatmeal I made, but didn't seem to notice my gesticulating. I know it's unlikely you'll see this, but if you do and something clicks, get back to me. <ul> <li> Location: my apt <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T20:59:34-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/759387513.html We live together text Sponges (as promised) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/758927385.html Will be out on front porch at 1:00pm today. Do not come any earlier, they will not be there. Please limit one per person. Do not knock or try to ring the doorbell in hopes of getting an edge on anyone else. NO ONE WILL ANSWER. I am very busy today so I will only be able to repost how many are left every 45 minutes. Please be respectful and do not make a mess. Remember, only one per person please. Also, I will not promise one of them to ANYONE! SO DONT ASK. (Thank the "promising no-shows") for spoiling it for others) I will take them off the porch at 7:00 pm SHARP. Do not try to come later then that. They will NOT be there any more. So don't even try! P.S. The Stick laying next to the sponges on the porch is not for the taking. It is our families marshmallow roasting stick. <ul> <li> Location: denver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T13:02:18-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/758927385.html Sponges (as promised) text Unicycle Lawnmower http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rac/758895089.html Looking for a more out of the box way to excersize. Be the coolest guy on your street cutting the lawn with this bad boy. you can save gas and get those rock hard abs you always wanted. This bike will cut your grass to emaculate conditions. It comes stock with this excentric two tone seat. The rust on the mower gives it an antique look that will have the cat lady next door going wild for your loins. For Ten extra dollars i can throw in a basket and headlight. Is your kid bouncing off the walls, ile even throw in some training wheels so you can put that bastard to work. This model is a three speed so you can really tear it up. Do your neighbor kids have an annoying bike ramp in the streets all the time. well snag that sucker and set it up infront of your trees, this bad mother will easily catch 6-7 feet of air allowing you to trim those troubling branches, as well as demolishing the ramp into oblivion so those damn kids wont be gathering infront of your house to practice for the x games. Comes with your choice of 12/40 oz beer holder that doubles as an ash tray. <img src="758895089.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: kenosha <li>it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T14:40:58-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rac/758895089.html Unicycle Lawnmower text Girls Piss Me Off ! ! ! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/758634295.html Girls Piss Me Off ! ! ! Girls Piss Me Off.. "can you tell im single"? ? ? I swear that if I wasn't sexually attracted to girls that I'd be gay. At least guys make sense most the time. First off, girls just talk way too much. When you're with your other girlfriends, go ahead and talk about whatever the fuck you want. I don't care. But why exactly do you think that I care about the kind of day that your sisters co-workers dog had? Your sister is nice enough, but I don't know her co-worker and I certainly don't know her dog. So why the fuck are you telling me this story? I don't care! If you have something worth talking about, then I can enjoy engaging you in a meaningful conversation. But before you start talking to me about some of the insane frivolous shit that you talk to your girlfriends about, first ask yourself "Does this have a point?". Because if it doesn't I'm just going to smile, and nod, and zone out and you'll get mad because I'm not listening to your retarded shit! Stop over complicating everything. There isn't an ulterior motive or hidden meaning in every other sentance. Unless, I suppose, it's coming out of the mouth of another woman. Because you ladies never can seem to say what you actually mean. You have this weird secret code that you love to try and crack and expect us guys to be able to get in on your stupid game. Guys aren't like that. Rarely rarely RARELY will you ever have to figure out what a guy is actually saying. We say what we mean. Girls have such a skewed sense of logic that this simple concept is often lost on them. When you go searching for some deeper meaning that isn't there, you're just committing to an act of futility. In the end you wind up making up some bullshit and believing that it must be true and acting on that false reality and making a mess of something for no apparent reason other than the fact that you're in-fucking-sane. Stop getting upset at guys for trying to help solve your problems. That's what guys do. You present us with a problem, we're going to try and fix it. It's in our fucking nature. I know it's in your nature to want to talk about everything, but if you're going to bring up your problems to a guy, expect that he's going to try and do something about it or give you advice. Women always bitch that guys don't listen. It's not that we don't listen, we just don't understand why you're bringing up your problems if you don't want us to do something about it. We're not as empathetic as your girlfriends, so if you want empathy, go to them. Likewise, if guys have a problem, they'll probably only bring it up if they need help or advice. Many women will bitch that guys don't talk enough. It's not that guys don't talk, it's just that your empathy doesn't help solve our problems when we do talk. One of the most insanely frustrating things about women is the constant reassurance. No, you're not fat. If you were fat you wouldn't be able to fit into that size 2 dress. And yes, you look good. Guys wouldn't be giving you free shit if you were ugly. (There's an ulterior fucking motive for you. Hint: They're not giving you free stuff just to be sweet.) It's so frustrating having to constantly answer those questions, only to not be believed. It's like trying to convince someone that the sky is blue. You're not blind, you're not even color blind. You can see that the sky is blue. Yet you continue to ask what color the sky is. I tell you it's blue. I know that you know what color blue is. And even though I've told you that the sky is blue about fifty-million times, you still have to ask because...I don't know...maybe it's not blue today. The sky is fucking blue goddammit! You're not fucking fat! You're not fucking ugly! You know it, I know it, everyone fucking knows it! And fuck all you ultra-hot girls that bitch about the most retarded things. Yeah, all men are fucking pigs because they stare at your boobs. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you're wearing a skin tight low cut shirt that has 'Bebe' printed across your boobs... one 'Be' per boob. It's totally unfair that you have to put up with guys staring at you all the time just because you like to look sexy. And boo hoo, it's so hard for you to meet a nice guy. Well actually it isn't, because the shoulder your crying on belongs to a nice guy. He's the one that puts up with all your stupid shit. And yet you some how end up with all the assholes. I'm sure that it has nothing to do with the fact that you're holding out for a six foot tall alpha-male fire fighter with a trust fund. And finally, yay for you. You sold a freezer to some eskimos. Congratulations on being the hot sales rep. We're all very proud of you for being able to have a nice ass while the rest of us actually have to work for a living. And we're all so excited to see your new diamond jewelry. Your ability to date another rich fucktard that will shower you with expensive bobbles is commendable. And I'll be so surprised and sorry for you when he dumps you for the next hot girl. Because I really thought that materialistic trophy bagger was in love with you. But I'm happy to hear that you wrecked your fifth car while multi-tasking between your cell phone and doing your make up in the mirror. Your dedication to enforcing the stereotype of women drivers is nothing short of awe inspiring. And you're right, I was being a shallow douchebag when I commented on the hotness of Eva Longoria. So lets go see that movie where Johnny Depp makes out with Orlando Bloom on Brad Pitts abs. I know you've been dying to see that one. Girls...you piss me the fuck off. You do stupid shit and manage to get away with it. You can be the most annoying idiots in the world. Your sense of logic and common sense seems to be a rare gift rather than a common trait. And yet I'm uncontrollably attracted to you. And that's quite possibly the most frustrating thing of all. --YES IM STILL SINGLE <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T08:50:05-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/758634295.html Girls Piss Me Off ! ! ! text Autographed copy of the Bible - $1,000,000,000 OBO http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/757746196.html I have a near-mint copy of the Bible, signed by the Big J.C. himself. According to Amazon, this is one of the better selling books of all time. I'm guessing the Prince of Peace would be happy to hear that. This book was entrusted to me by the Knights of Templar, they borrowed it from Our Savior sometime between 28 and 32 AD and forgot to give it back. It was one of those things where they said they'd return it in a week, but then they didn't get around to reading it right away. And you know how you always feel bad returning a book you haven't read, especially whe